You Will Always Be Apart of Me

This post is very hard to write. I knew the day was coming but honestly as much as you prepare yourself it's still hard. 

Let me back up since my last post. Pops health went down very quickly since Grandma's birthday. He had days where he sleep 2-3 days straight and days where he get up and walk like he was normal and had energy. He was in a lot of pain and he kept asking what the date was everyday. We finally asked why he cared so much about the date and told us he had to wait until the 2nd of April so grandma could get his full pension one last time. Talk about romantic and selfless. He still had his charm and wanted to still provide until the end. Then after the 2nd came, he honestly asked why he wasn't dying.

There is a lot of things that happened in the 4 weeks up to his death but I don't want to share a lot because they were personal. However they were very spiritual, humbling and tender experiences. These are memories that I will never forget and I will cherish forever. One day Pops and I were having a conversation and I told him, "Pops I really hope you know how much I love you." He waved me over to sit by him and he held my hand and looked at me and said, "You must because you have done so much for me and I thank you. I love you too honey." I never needed a thank you but when he said that, it touched my heart more than I ever could imagine.

During the last few weeks I watched him love my grandma more than I have ever thought was possible and watching him love his baby girl (my mom) was so tender. One point he was laying in bed and my mom sat at his bedside and he lifted his arms up to hug her and he pulled her in having her head rest on his chest and she just lay there forever. I couldn't imagine how my mom was feeling because that was her daddy. He was so humble and grateful towards the end. Telling us how much he loved us and how grateful he was for us and all that we have done for him. 

People aren't lying when they say when you are taking care of someone dying at home it is one of the most spiritual experiences ever. I believe it. And I have seen and heard too much to deny that. There was many times that we thought he was passing and then he would make a joke and we would all start laughing. He was a jokester till the end. I think all the close calls that we had really help Grandma and made it easier for her when he passed. I mean it was still hard but she had prepared herself several times. And my most favorite thing that I loved to watch is when he would roll over in bed and cuddle up with grandma. That melted my heart to watch that. 

We ended up having to bring in hospice to have him be evaluated because he was in so much pain and we honestly never had someone die at home. And we didn't know if it was normal to get random burst of energy like he would get. I asked him if he would allow her to come and evaluate him and that's all.We would still did the bathing and changing. He agreed and she was amazing.  

Myette the hospice nurse showed up on weds the 9th and he was such a show off to her. Acting like he was fine and was walking. He likes to impress the ladies. She schedule to come back out on that friday the 11th and instructed us how to use his liquid morphine and anxiety meds along with his oxygen. After she left his behavior changed quickly. He wouldn't get out of bed. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't speak or even open up his eyes. He would grunt when he was in pain and an occasional yes and no. That was the hardest part for grandma because she loved when they would talk to each other and him not speaking was so hard. 

Then my dad, Bryan and I ended up getting the flu. It was awful. I haven't been that sick in a very long time. So for three days I had to keep my distance from everyone. Called in for a sub to teach our class on Sunday and if we felt better Sat, we wanted to go up to Reno for the day to see my cousin before she left for her mission in Oklahoma.

So Saturday came around and Bryan and I were getting ready to leave for Reno to go visit my cousin. It was such a bittersweet moment for me. I wanted to see her off but I did not want to leave Pops. I had been by his side every minute other then when I was sick and that killed me. I would cover my mouth and peak in on him. Thank goodness my mom was there to help me.

I walked in and knelt by his bedside and just cried. I had a feeling that this would be my last goodbye. I whispered in his ear that I was going to go away for the night but I would be back. He said, "buh-bye." Then I told him how much I loved him and he said, "I love you too honey." I sobbed. After hardly any communication except for yes, no and pain, he got those words out to me. I walked into the front room and my mom grabbed me and I just cried. 

At 3:30 Sunday morning in the hotel room I woke up randomly and was wide awake. Then 2 minutes later my phone rang and it was my mom. I knew why she was calling, Pops passed in grandmas arms. later on I found out that Freddy and my dad woke up randomly before the call too.

I called my dad who was in reno too but staying at itchies (his sisters) house. We decided to make the 4.5 hr drive home right then. We made it in 4 hrs and I walked in the door, grabbed my mom and cried. Then ran to grandma who was in the front room laying on the couch and I sobbed in her chest. I apologized for leaving her and missed my Pops so much. She said, "Sissy, he planned it liked this so you wouldn't have to see him like that." Even if that was true it killed me. 

I know I will forever feel his strength when I need it. I know I can't see his face but I know he hears me and is watching over me. I know I will see him again and he hasn't really left, I feel him beside me. I have been so blessed to have him in my life. When I had moments to tell him I loved him or us laugh and joke around, I honestly never thought there would be a day that it would stop. 

Pops I miss you like crazy. You will never know how much I love you. You're gone physically but I know you are here spiritually and not forgotten. Someday I will see you again where we can walk hand in hand and make fun of grandma like we normally did. I love you Pops. Please Continue to watch over grandma and I. 

Kiss my future babies for me and tell my Pop-Pop and my Mom-Mom how I love and miss them.

I know you are having a beautiful reunion with your family and please continue to visit the kiddos daily like you do. They absolutely love you visiting them and we love the stories they share with us. 

I will fulfill my promise I made with you and Bryan and I will continue taking care of things.

Until we meet again

Your Rotten to the Core girl! 

The Choice To Care

It's been awhile since I have posted and I have been extremely busy. Pops has progressively gotten worse and it could be any day now. Pops told me the other night he hopes he can go to sleep and never wake up.

We have had family come in and surprised him and say what we feel will be their last goodbye. It has been very hard watching him go through something so torturous and knowing that you can't do anything for him other than try to keep him comfortable. 

Last night as I was getting him ready for bed, he grabbed me and put his arms around me and said, "Thank you honey, I love you." One of the most tender moments that I will cherish forever. 

Going through this experience has had its challenges and yet as exhausted as I am, it has been so spiritual and uplifting. It has let Pops and I talk about things that he has never talked about before and has let me bare my testimony to him about families being together forever. And have cried together through some very hard moments that he has talked about in his life. 

President Henry B. Eyring said, "You have observed and felt that blessing. Whenever you have cared for someone for even a short time, you have felt love for the person you served. As the time to provide needed care grew longer, the feelings of love increased."

15 years ago I would have never had this relationship I have now with my grandfather. He was a very different and difficult man and never spoke the words I love you. Then one day something in his heart changed and I honestly believe it is because of the my family and the gospel. We have shown him how a family should be. And these past 10-15 years have been wonderful. I have grown a relationship with my grandpa that no words can describe and the love that has grown for him. My mom would call him her feheart when she was little since she couldn't say her S's. Well he is my feheart too.

Before Bryan I moved here in November we were watching general conference through church (find out more here) and a talk was given about serving your loved ones and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I had this overwhelming feeling that Bryan and I needed to move in with my grandparents but never told anyone. I just kind of shrugged it off. Later my mom called who was visiting with my grandparents because my grandma had a heart attack. When I answered the phone my mom kind of paused. Then we talked about how grandma and pops were doing. Then my mom said, "Stevilynn I need to ask you a question" and before she could finish I interrupted her and said mom, "I think Bryan and I need to move in with Grandma and Pops". My mom cried and wanted to know how I knew she was going to ask me that. I told her I have been having a prompting for sometime and I just knew that you were going to ask me. I told her that we don't have any ties here and that it would be perfect for us.

So two weeks later we moved. And it has been such a blessing. I can't even begin to express the joy I have had building more memories with my grandparents especially Pops before he passes. And all they have done for us to help with the transition.

I am not going to lie. This has been one of the hardest things I have done in my life. Between caring for him, I am a cook and a house keeper. By all means please don't think I am complaining, I am not. I am grateful to be doing this. However it has been wonderful to do this because it gives grandma time to spend with Pops.

I feel like I have two children. I forgot what sleep is like. I never sleep anymore because I am attached to the baby monitor for when Pops gets up and every time I lay down at night I feel like I didn't do enough that day. Then I get myself all worked up. 

And because I have been feeling like I haven't been doing enough I came across this gem this morning and let me tell you it touched me heart and filled my soul: 

I bawled through the entire thing. It was everything I needed to hear. And then it has made me think of a dear friend Sarah. She is in our ward and she is amazing. She has brought goodies to us unexpectedly and has just been there when I need a shoulder to cry on. One day at church she came up to me in primary and I was just crying and she grabbed me, hugged me and told me she loves me. And later that day she brought me cookies. I love her so much! She is such a pearl and I am lucky to have her as my friend. She always reaches out and sends me messages telling me she loves me and is there if I need her.

She will never know how much that means to me and how much it brightens my days.

There has been so many other people that have reached out like Jennifer, Chelsea and many more and I appreciate you all so much. 

Something that stood out in the video is when President Eyring said, "Each of you is in a unique place in your journey to eternal life. Some have years of experience, and others are early in their mortal discipleship. Each is unique in her personal history and her challenges. But all of you are sisters and beloved daughters of our Heavenly Father, who knows and watches over each of you. That counsel can be hard to apply when the choice seems to be balancing a desire to do all you can to help others with the wisdom to be prudent in meeting your own needs to retain your power to serve. You may have seen others struggle with such hard choices. One example is the choice to care for a person approaching the end of life at home or in a care facility when you may be close to exhaustion. What you know of the plan of salvation can be your guide in such heartrending choices. That is one of the reasons why Lucy Mack Smith wisely said that the sisters were to “gain instruction.” It helps to have a sure conviction of the purpose of the Lord for every child of God in the crucible of mortal life. He taught the essence of the plan of salvation to the Prophet Joseph this way as he struggled to understand his seemingly endless trials: “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” Our choice to best help someone through hard trials then becomes, “What course should I follow that will best help the person I love to ‘endure well’?” It is for us to make it more likely that he or she can exercise faith in Christ, keep a bright hope of eternal life, and practice charity, the pure love of Christ, to the end of his or her life." 

You have no clue how much peace this brings me. His words pierce my soul and honestly I feel like a brick is lifted off my load. I am so blessed to have the gospel, my patriarchal blessing and my family to help me through these days.

Until next time

XO {ST}

A Caretakers Journey

I am learning that being a caretaker is a deep, personal journey & a very special experience. And given that it is family it is always harder. This past week has not been good for Pop's, he is failing and it seems faster each day. Growing up, at least for me, I would think that my grandparents would live forever. As you get older of course you know that isn't possible but still a part of you feels that they are invincible. Now living with them and taking care of them you start seeing that underneath their superhero outfits that they have some wrinkles, walk slower than before and forget things at times. And it's moments where they then say that they need you and it hits you that they won't live forever well at least here on earth. 

I am so blessed and thankful that I have the gospel in my life. The knowledge knowing that I will see those that have passed on before me and those who will pass on after me, that we can still be a family forever. It gives me strength through the day. It is still hard because you wont be able to physically touch them or talk to them here but knowing that they will be here in spirit watching over me is very comforting to know. 

I don't know when his time here is done but I know that it is coming. I know that he has regrets and I know that he is worried about his family and that is normal and understandable. At the same time I am excited for him because he will get to see his two brothers who died in war and were taken to soon and his mommy will get to hold her baby boy once again and he will get to see his father. I can be selfish and not want him to leave, but I know someday I will see him again and knowing that I can live with him again is beyond comforting. 

Life is honestly to short. We don't know when our time is coming nor do we know our family members time. So set pride, jealousy, angry and hate aside and let go. Now is better than never. You don't want to live with regret. It will eat you inside. Send a card or call them up on the phone. You might be surprised how they will act. Family is family regardless how dysfunctional and how crazy they are. Cause in the end they are all we have.

XO {ST}

Hello Again

Sorry it has been awhile since I blogged. I have been extremely busy and I know that you deserve some answers. Pop's has been doing extremely well. Nursed him back to health and have him working out and walking everyday. That experience of not knowing if he would snap out of it was scary. He is back to himself, well sorta. He is having a bit more memory loss but nothing that we should be worried about. And he hasn't had any blood in his urine or pain well until yesterday. That is all he is urinating now which means I will have to be calling the Dr. in the morning to see whats going on. He is scared and doesn't like not knowing what will happen next. I couldn't imagine what he is going through and it kills my heart. I enjoy every minute of every day I have with him because honestly I don't know how many more days I have with him.

Our Christmas was wonderful. We got the okay by his nurse that we can travel. It was an emotional one for Pop's. After dinner he wanted to go lay down and rest and when I took him in to lay down in the spare room at my parents he just broke down. When he cry's I cry. Well lets face it I cry whenever anyone else cries.  Then when we left to come home he cried while he said goodbye to everyone as if he was never going to see them again. He has days like that where I will find him sitting in his chair just crying and then I will sit on his lap and we cry together. Then I jump up and make him laugh and we go play a game. I couldn't imagine how he is feeling or what he is thinking.

Yesterday we went for a car ride the 4 of us and other than the car needing to be towed it was fun to spend time together and seeing new places. Nothing in the world can replace the memories I have with my grandparents. I have been extremely blessed to be allowed to come and take care of them. I won't lie, it isn't always easy but when I lay my head on my pillow at night I thank my Heavenly Father for giving me this opportunity and strength to be able to care for them. 

These two are not always the easiest, HAHA However they are comical and can play some mean games of tetris. We can sit and play cards for hrs and just talk and laugh. Or sit at the dinner table and Pops and I will make faces at grandma when she isn't looking and just die of laughter. I wouldn't trade these moments I get with them for anything. 

Some things they say are forsure off the wall. But that is what makes them, them. To really see the two of them really loving each other and falling more in love everyday is very heart warming because it wasn't like that growing up. I just know that whatever happens from here on out ready for it or not, the memories will be the best gift ever. He has his days. Some are better than others, but the bast 3-4 days have seem like his worst. 

I will try to blog at least once a week but honestly I sometimes don't have a chance to shower until night time because I am so busy doing things around the house or get stuck playing games and I don't want to miss something. So while the house is quite and they are watching the game I snuck in some time to blog. 

Something that is incredible learning while caretaking is how much you find yourself cheering and becoming excited over little accomplishments they do. It makes them smiling and they become extremely proud that they did it! 

Also standing in the kitchen and butt bumping with your pops, is priceless. Ask me if he would have done something like this about 10-15 years ago, I would answer a big fat NO! He has taught me to slow down with him and enjoy life a lot more and I have them to thank. Trust me, some days aren't very exciting but that is okay. If they are happy and content just watching TV I am okay with it. Why? Because I am able to sit with them and spend quality time with them. 

Thank you to all who reads my blog. I hope you are enjoying it. Come back soon. 

XO{ST}

A Dr. Apt That Turned Into Being Admitted Into The Hospital

On Monday the 16th we received a call from Dr. Garg's office around noon and requested that we come in to go over Pop's CT scan at 2. It worked out fine because we had an appointment out there at 3:30 for a Cystoscopy.

We arrived to our 2 o'clock appointment and of course we waited for almost 45 minutes. The whole time Pops would say, "Why in the h*** would they call us to come out at 2 and then we have to wait." He makes me laugh. 

It wasn't an appointment that we wanted to have especially during the holidays. In 2009 Pops had an an aneurysm and had a stent put in. 

Well his aneurysm has grown and his stent halfway in his abdomen and pelvis area had come apart. The Dr said if we don't admit him in the hospital immediately it can burst any minute and kill him. So we went to his 3:30 appointment and then crossed the street to be admitted into the hospital. After walking all over the hospital being sent in a million directions we finally were taken up to the 4th floor to TCU. He had a chest x-ray and another CT scan done so that Dr. Garg knew exactly what he was working with. Surgery was going to have to be postponed until Tuesday. Well, Tuesday came around and was told that Dr. Garg had to order the largest stent you can get because the hospital didn't have one and that would be in on Weds. This large stent would prevent this from ever happening again. So surgery was postponed yet again. 

In the meantime 2 gentlemen from our church came to the hospital to give Pops a blessing. He at first was not interested because he said that when he lost both his brothers he gave up all hope and faith in religion and God. But after some talking and convincing from Grandma (more like telling him) he received a beautiful blessing from Bryan.

Weds was here and it was the day of surgery. Dr. Garg came up and discussed everything about Pop's surgery. He said that he is putting him under local anesthesia because of his age too many health risks to put him fully under. His surgery was at 2 PM. An hr before he was taken down he was laying in his hospital bed and signaled with his hand for me to come over to him. I came and sat by his bedside and he started to cry. He talked as if he was dying and what he wanted for his family. Needless to say it was an extremely emotional time. My grandma was beside herself and by her reaction you would have thought Pop's was dying.

Thoughts kept running in my mind like, does he know how much I love him, does he know that he is my buddy, does he know how grateful I am for him, does he know how much he has blessed me and my life? All these thoughts kept consuming my mind and made my heart ache. I knew that all was going to be okay but you still always know that there could be some risks.

Surgery ended and as we hoped surgery went extremely well. When Dr. Garg came out to update us my grandma jumped up and hugged him. We went up to his room and waited until they wheeled him back into his room. After an hour of waiting he was back in his room and was sound asleep. We kissed him and went home. 

The next morning my mom and grandma went up early to see him. He woke up around 9:30 A.M. in pain and was given Nor-co. He was then transferred down to the third floor around 11:30, where he slept for over 15 hours. He was not waking up and was worrying us all even Dr. Garg. Dr. Garg asked if we wanted to reverse the pain meds which can cause more pain to him and possible health risks. We did not want to that so Dr. Garg wanted to wait until the morning to see if there are any improvements and if not he would sch a CT scan to check his brain. 

He woke up a little bit for about 10 mins but was really confused and didn't know who any of us were. It was extremely hard especially on my grandma. We went home with a heavy heart and prayed all the way home and into the night for him. Friday came and not much had changed. He was still very confused and was sleeping a lot. One minute he would know who we were and the next minute he wouldn't have a clue. It was so hard and even harder on grandma when he didn't even know who she was. Dr. Garg ordered a CT scan and when we got his results back, there was nothing our of the norm. Few spots of dementia showed but that was normal. Dr is afraid that maybe the surgery brought his dementia out more but really this type of condition is called organic which means, there is no explanation to what is going on when all vitals and signs are good. Only time would tell. My mom took grandma home and Bryan and I stayed with him and we got him up to play Rummy but that only lasted about 3 plays then he fell back asleep.

Saturday came and he was improving. His appetite was coming back and he wanted to go home. He was so upset they wouldn't let him leave. He still was very confused and that still was scary. Dr. Garg came in and he asked if we wanted to put Pop's in a rehab facility or take him home. Grandma really wanted to bring him home because she felt that maybe being home will help jog his memory. Dr. Garg agreed and said that if we decide it's too hard that we can have his primary Dr. request the move to the rehab facility. Pops knew that if he got up to walk they would send him home. So he was demanding to get up to walk but the nurses told him he needed to wait for the physical therapist. Finally the physical therapist showed up after many attempts of Pop's trying to get up and walk and was allowed to walk. He was given a walker and once he was given the okay to walk he was moving. I was walking so fast. I have never ever seen him walk that fast but he was determined to get out.

We expected that the physical therapist would say that he needs to be in a rehab facility but as we previously discussed with Dr. Garg, grandma wanted Pop's home. The physical therapist gave us at home tips and told us that a physical therapist would be coming to our home once or twice a week to do some physical therapy. Dr. Garg made sure that the PCC nurse would get us set up with the equipment that we would need at home to help Pop's and could be delivered the same day.

We finally made it home after a quick stop at McDonald's to get Pop's a strawberry shake. Got him all settled and tried to go to bed early. Our first night home was a rough night but that was expected. He was talking in his sleep a lot and trying to get up to urinate and forgot that he had a catheter in. We knew that it would take time to get better and get him back on a sleeping schedule. His first day home was a big improvement and he is really trying to make an effort to get better. 

XO {ST}

Cecking In

Hi friends. Sorry it has been a while since I have updated the blog. We have been so busy lately. Here is what we have been up too.

Feeling Helpless

Sorry I haven't updated my blog lately. I have been extremely busy settling in and cleaning. The other day was probably the hardest moment of many to come and well lets just say grab some tissues. 

I was busy fixing lunch in the kitchen when my mom called me. I went in the other room to talk to her for a second and when I came back I heard my grandma talking to my grandpa as if something was wrong. I walked in and I saw my grandpa sitting in his chair with tears streaming down his face. My grandma walked out of the room and I went over to Pops in his chair and leaned over to ask him if he was okay. As the words okay came out of my mouth he grabbed me to bring me in closer and just sobbed on my chest. I was practally sitting on his lap as if I was 5 again and holding him asking him what was wrong. He said, "I feel helpless".

Let me back up a little bit here and tell you about Pops. He is a very wealthy and knowledgeable business man and affection doesn't show much. About the past 10-15 years it has shown more and more but I haven't ever seen him really cry. He has always been a very strong and unemotional personal. To be honest I thought crying was never possible. Seeing a 6ft, 81 year old man sitting in his chair sobbing was absolutely heart breaking but the hardest thing was hearing him say that he feels helpless. 

He has always been the provider, rock and the go to man. Getting older I know takes a toll on your mind and body and with him he isn't as quick with numbers like he use to be and he is a bit more forgetful. As a man I know that it is hard to admit that you need help. So I can see why he is feeling helpless. Admitting you need help is always the hardest. I of course told him that he wasn't and that I am here because I love him and I want to help him but that he is far from helpless.

Tears steaming down my face and holding my grandpa as my sweatshirt was soaked with his salty tears was heart breaking. Kissing his sweet little bald head and reassuring him that he wasn't helpless I had to walk away. I had to go into the bedroom and regroup. I couldn't let him see me cry as I was trying to be strong. But why should I worry about being strong when a man in my eyes has always been strong is sobbing like a baby in his chair? I think maybe seeing him cry like that for the first time made me realize what I was here for.

Tender moments like this make me so grateful that Bryan and I are here. I am so happy that we are able to do this. We wouldn't want it any other way and we know that we will be blessed for it.

Please come back and visit. 

XO {ST}