The Choice To Care

It's been awhile since I have posted and I have been extremely busy. Pops has progressively gotten worse and it could be any day now. Pops told me the other night he hopes he can go to sleep and never wake up.

We have had family come in and surprised him and say what we feel will be their last goodbye. It has been very hard watching him go through something so torturous and knowing that you can't do anything for him other than try to keep him comfortable. 

Last night as I was getting him ready for bed, he grabbed me and put his arms around me and said, "Thank you honey, I love you." One of the most tender moments that I will cherish forever. 

Going through this experience has had its challenges and yet as exhausted as I am, it has been so spiritual and uplifting. It has let Pops and I talk about things that he has never talked about before and has let me bare my testimony to him about families being together forever. And have cried together through some very hard moments that he has talked about in his life. 

President Henry B. Eyring said, "You have observed and felt that blessing. Whenever you have cared for someone for even a short time, you have felt love for the person you served. As the time to provide needed care grew longer, the feelings of love increased."

15 years ago I would have never had this relationship I have now with my grandfather. He was a very different and difficult man and never spoke the words I love you. Then one day something in his heart changed and I honestly believe it is because of the my family and the gospel. We have shown him how a family should be. And these past 10-15 years have been wonderful. I have grown a relationship with my grandpa that no words can describe and the love that has grown for him. My mom would call him her feheart when she was little since she couldn't say her S's. Well he is my feheart too.

Before Bryan I moved here in November we were watching general conference through church (find out more here) and a talk was given about serving your loved ones and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I had this overwhelming feeling that Bryan and I needed to move in with my grandparents but never told anyone. I just kind of shrugged it off. Later my mom called who was visiting with my grandparents because my grandma had a heart attack. When I answered the phone my mom kind of paused. Then we talked about how grandma and pops were doing. Then my mom said, "Stevilynn I need to ask you a question" and before she could finish I interrupted her and said mom, "I think Bryan and I need to move in with Grandma and Pops". My mom cried and wanted to know how I knew she was going to ask me that. I told her I have been having a prompting for sometime and I just knew that you were going to ask me. I told her that we don't have any ties here and that it would be perfect for us.

So two weeks later we moved. And it has been such a blessing. I can't even begin to express the joy I have had building more memories with my grandparents especially Pops before he passes. And all they have done for us to help with the transition.

I am not going to lie. This has been one of the hardest things I have done in my life. Between caring for him, I am a cook and a house keeper. By all means please don't think I am complaining, I am not. I am grateful to be doing this. However it has been wonderful to do this because it gives grandma time to spend with Pops.

I feel like I have two children. I forgot what sleep is like. I never sleep anymore because I am attached to the baby monitor for when Pops gets up and every time I lay down at night I feel like I didn't do enough that day. Then I get myself all worked up. 

And because I have been feeling like I haven't been doing enough I came across this gem this morning and let me tell you it touched me heart and filled my soul: 

I bawled through the entire thing. It was everything I needed to hear. And then it has made me think of a dear friend Sarah. She is in our ward and she is amazing. She has brought goodies to us unexpectedly and has just been there when I need a shoulder to cry on. One day at church she came up to me in primary and I was just crying and she grabbed me, hugged me and told me she loves me. And later that day she brought me cookies. I love her so much! She is such a pearl and I am lucky to have her as my friend. She always reaches out and sends me messages telling me she loves me and is there if I need her.

She will never know how much that means to me and how much it brightens my days.

There has been so many other people that have reached out like Jennifer, Chelsea and many more and I appreciate you all so much. 

Something that stood out in the video is when President Eyring said, "Each of you is in a unique place in your journey to eternal life. Some have years of experience, and others are early in their mortal discipleship. Each is unique in her personal history and her challenges. But all of you are sisters and beloved daughters of our Heavenly Father, who knows and watches over each of you. That counsel can be hard to apply when the choice seems to be balancing a desire to do all you can to help others with the wisdom to be prudent in meeting your own needs to retain your power to serve. You may have seen others struggle with such hard choices. One example is the choice to care for a person approaching the end of life at home or in a care facility when you may be close to exhaustion. What you know of the plan of salvation can be your guide in such heartrending choices. That is one of the reasons why Lucy Mack Smith wisely said that the sisters were to “gain instruction.” It helps to have a sure conviction of the purpose of the Lord for every child of God in the crucible of mortal life. He taught the essence of the plan of salvation to the Prophet Joseph this way as he struggled to understand his seemingly endless trials: “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” Our choice to best help someone through hard trials then becomes, “What course should I follow that will best help the person I love to ‘endure well’?” It is for us to make it more likely that he or she can exercise faith in Christ, keep a bright hope of eternal life, and practice charity, the pure love of Christ, to the end of his or her life." 

You have no clue how much peace this brings me. His words pierce my soul and honestly I feel like a brick is lifted off my load. I am so blessed to have the gospel, my patriarchal blessing and my family to help me through these days.

Until next time

XO {ST}