This post is very hard to write. I knew the day was coming but honestly as much as you prepare yourself it's still hard.
Let me back up since my last post. Pops health went down very quickly since Grandma's birthday. He had days where he sleep 2-3 days straight and days where he get up and walk like he was normal and had energy. He was in a lot of pain and he kept asking what the date was everyday. We finally asked why he cared so much about the date and told us he had to wait until the 2nd of April so grandma could get his full pension one last time. Talk about romantic and selfless. He still had his charm and wanted to still provide until the end. Then after the 2nd came, he honestly asked why he wasn't dying.
There is a lot of things that happened in the 4 weeks up to his death but I don't want to share a lot because they were personal. However they were very spiritual, humbling and tender experiences. These are memories that I will never forget and I will cherish forever. One day Pops and I were having a conversation and I told him, "Pops I really hope you know how much I love you." He waved me over to sit by him and he held my hand and looked at me and said, "You must because you have done so much for me and I thank you. I love you too honey." I never needed a thank you but when he said that, it touched my heart more than I ever could imagine.
During the last few weeks I watched him love my grandma more than I have ever thought was possible and watching him love his baby girl (my mom) was so tender. One point he was laying in bed and my mom sat at his bedside and he lifted his arms up to hug her and he pulled her in having her head rest on his chest and she just lay there forever. I couldn't imagine how my mom was feeling because that was her daddy. He was so humble and grateful towards the end. Telling us how much he loved us and how grateful he was for us and all that we have done for him.
People aren't lying when they say when you are taking care of someone dying at home it is one of the most spiritual experiences ever. I believe it. And I have seen and heard too much to deny that. There was many times that we thought he was passing and then he would make a joke and we would all start laughing. He was a jokester till the end. I think all the close calls that we had really help Grandma and made it easier for her when he passed. I mean it was still hard but she had prepared herself several times. And my most favorite thing that I loved to watch is when he would roll over in bed and cuddle up with grandma. That melted my heart to watch that.
We ended up having to bring in hospice to have him be evaluated because he was in so much pain and we honestly never had someone die at home. And we didn't know if it was normal to get random burst of energy like he would get. I asked him if he would allow her to come and evaluate him and that's all.We would still did the bathing and changing. He agreed and she was amazing.
Myette the hospice nurse showed up on weds the 9th and he was such a show off to her. Acting like he was fine and was walking. He likes to impress the ladies. She schedule to come back out on that friday the 11th and instructed us how to use his liquid morphine and anxiety meds along with his oxygen. After she left his behavior changed quickly. He wouldn't get out of bed. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't speak or even open up his eyes. He would grunt when he was in pain and an occasional yes and no. That was the hardest part for grandma because she loved when they would talk to each other and him not speaking was so hard.
Then my dad, Bryan and I ended up getting the flu. It was awful. I haven't been that sick in a very long time. So for three days I had to keep my distance from everyone. Called in for a sub to teach our class on Sunday and if we felt better Sat, we wanted to go up to Reno for the day to see my cousin before she left for her mission in Oklahoma.
So Saturday came around and Bryan and I were getting ready to leave for Reno to go visit my cousin. It was such a bittersweet moment for me. I wanted to see her off but I did not want to leave Pops. I had been by his side every minute other then when I was sick and that killed me. I would cover my mouth and peak in on him. Thank goodness my mom was there to help me.
I walked in and knelt by his bedside and just cried. I had a feeling that this would be my last goodbye. I whispered in his ear that I was going to go away for the night but I would be back. He said, "buh-bye." Then I told him how much I loved him and he said, "I love you too honey." I sobbed. After hardly any communication except for yes, no and pain, he got those words out to me. I walked into the front room and my mom grabbed me and I just cried.
At 3:30 Sunday morning in the hotel room I woke up randomly and was wide awake. Then 2 minutes later my phone rang and it was my mom. I knew why she was calling, Pops passed in grandmas arms. later on I found out that Freddy and my dad woke up randomly before the call too.
I called my dad who was in reno too but staying at itchies (his sisters) house. We decided to make the 4.5 hr drive home right then. We made it in 4 hrs and I walked in the door, grabbed my mom and cried. Then ran to grandma who was in the front room laying on the couch and I sobbed in her chest. I apologized for leaving her and missed my Pops so much. She said, "Sissy, he planned it liked this so you wouldn't have to see him like that." Even if that was true it killed me.
I know I will forever feel his strength when I need it. I know I can't see his face but I know he hears me and is watching over me. I know I will see him again and he hasn't really left, I feel him beside me. I have been so blessed to have him in my life. When I had moments to tell him I loved him or us laugh and joke around, I honestly never thought there would be a day that it would stop.
Pops I miss you like crazy. You will never know how much I love you. You're gone physically but I know you are here spiritually and not forgotten. Someday I will see you again where we can walk hand in hand and make fun of grandma like we normally did. I love you Pops. Please Continue to watch over grandma and I.
Kiss my future babies for me and tell my Pop-Pop and my Mom-Mom how I love and miss them.
I know you are having a beautiful reunion with your family and please continue to visit the kiddos daily like you do. They absolutely love you visiting them and we love the stories they share with us.
I will fulfill my promise I made with you and Bryan and I will continue taking care of things.
Until we meet again
Your Rotten to the Core girl!
